Imagine yourself being stuck in a room with no windows, no one else in the room, purely stuck with yourself and your thoughts. Living a life where you feel as if there is no one to turn to, never having a secure friendship, feeling like who you are as a person was never going to be good enough, is a miserable life. Not realizing it, and subconsciously comparing yourself to the people around you, beating yourself down mentally because you never felt like you were enough is not a healthy way to live. I spent most of my high school experience trying to conform to the “standards” that fit certain groups of people, trying to change who I really am to “fit in”. After four years of trying to change who I am to be included in certain groups, that were “cool” and “popular”, I had a self-realization of what I deserve in life, and who I truly am as a human being. Conforming to Societal Expectations I have always had a hard time with being comfortable with who I am, I have struggled to find confidence in who I am and being comfortable with what kind of a person I am. At this point in my life I was approaching my freshman year of high school, with so much uncertainty of this new beginning I realized I was losing my true self because of the people I was surrounding myself with. I was noticing that I had an appeal to certain groups of people that were considered the “it-girls” and the “popular kids” in my grade, even older kids. I would try repetitively to get in on what they were doing, forcing myself into multiple social situations, that now, looking back, I am very uncomfortable with. The way they acted and how they presented themselves was very rebellious and shameful, but I admired it. I started to dress, talk, behave, all a certain way, that made me feel like I was included. Even after trying to change who I was for this group of people, every night when I would go to bed or had a second to myself, I would feel very poorly about myself. I knew the way I was acting and dressing and presenting myself was not a way that I wanted to act, and this made me have internal insecurities. Throughout this process I realized that my friends that I have known for multiple years in student government were thrown off and very disapproving of my new look and personality. The people I had met in Associated Student Government (ASG) have been with me through the highest points in my life and the lowest points. Even though they did not approve of my new visage, I still knew they supported me no matter what. They knew who I truly was when I didn’t. Pretending to be someone I wasn’t was exhausting and mentally draining. Once I thought not being able to be confident in myself felt like my only problem, I started having an extremely hard time leading into my senior of high school. Senior Year of High School Senior year was one of the hardest times in my life, I continually was getting cyberbullied, made fun of, and terrorized by most of the school just because the “popular kids” started false rumors about me. That year consisted of finding my closest friends, losing friends that I trusted, feeling worthless, and completely losing self-confidence. I had no one to blame except for myself, I had built this whole fake persona and I had to deal with the repercussions. I had promised myself to go into senior year being as true to myself as possible and try to be confident in who I was. I ended up finding my two closest friends that year, but next thing I knew it seemed as if I were completely alone. Towards the end of the year, I thought I was going to make it out, flying under the radar, but the next thing I knew I was the center of every conversation. I walked into the center of the quad on a Monday morning, and it was as if I had a huge sign above my head that screamed, “please stare at me”. I felt uncomfortable, confused, and embarrassed. What could I have possibly done? I was caught off guard and turned to my friends, they all seemed as if they were annoyed at me for some reason, that’s when I realized I have been attacked by rumors, that were not true. Because of the rumors being started and spread from the “most popular girls in school” they were impossible to discredit. The week slowly lurched forwards, and I dreaded school more than ever, I avoided awards ceremonies, graduation festivities, and senior activities, all in fear that I would get harassed. My parents were a great support system for me during this time in my life, but I still felt alone. After multiple conversations with my two best friends, they believed me and helped me get back on my feet. Through this time of feeling worthless, my friends made me feel as if I had a place I belonged, they supported me through every situation faced and showed unconditional love. Even though this terrible time felt like the lowest of the low for me, I was surprised to see that there was a positive thing that came out of such a dark time in my life Discovering Self-worth Feeling like I had nothing to contribute to the world anymore, I had a moment of realization, discovering what I am worth and what I deserve in friendships and more importantly, in life. I used this process of self-doubt and insecurities define who I was, not in a negative way, in a positive way. I used the hatred and bullying make me rediscover my self-worth and began thinking in perspective to the big picture in life. High school was such a small part of my life and I was going to use my negative experience to better myself as a person. I found courage in myself from this hard time in my life. I was able to have enough confidence to present the class address at graduation. I spoke with full confidence in myself, even though half the audience was filled with people who made my high school experience a living hell. Despite this, I decided to not care what other people thought or said about me and to do what I wanted in life to purely make me happy and to develop relationships with people who make me a better person, not a person that I hate to be. I would like to say that I completely despise and want to forget this dark time, but I feel more passionately about believing that something good came out of it. Closing The promises that I have made myself are quite simple but hold the most meaningful messages to me as I progress and move forward in my life. I promise to stay true to myself in the hardest situations. Even when I feel pressure to be someone who I am not, I know I will stand my ground and stay true to my inner self. I promise I will never change who I am to fit in with a group of people. I will never settle for anything less than what I deserve, I will never let people change who I am, because if I do I will always have an internal battle with myself striving to find inner happiness. After four years of trying to change who I am to fit in to certain groups that were considered “cool”, I discovered what I deserve in life, and who I truly am as a human being. I deserve people who support me for me, I deserve people who make me a better person not someone who I am ashamed to be. XO, Littlerayy
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Hi Friends! Wow has it been a while or what?! Today I am sitting down and writing to you all to show the beauty of truly finding yourself and how incredible it feels to finally feel comfortable in your own skin! The past couple of days have truly opened my eyes to who I really am. I understand that it isn’t very easy for someone to find who they really are right away…it takes time. With that in mind here are some tips on how to find yourself!!!
2. The little things When I say little things I mean listening to your favorite playlist on repeat or taking a warm bath after a long day. Whether it be setting aside time to listen to that one song that brings back all those memories or dancing alone in your bedroom to some old throwbacks you are finding that inner joy. 3. YOU time My last tip would have to be finding time for you. I love hiking to get my mind off things, also letting your creative side explore whether it be with painting or writing. Working out with a good friend or even taking a nap to find that inner zen. Just remember to do things that will leave you smiling! XO, Littlerayy |
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